Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis To Wed?

Let me start by saying I find this nearly as distasteful as I find CRAZY Spice, however, the rumor mill is grinding out two separate rumors about the Depp + Paradis Wedding.


  1. Johnny Depp (Who is mine, I might add) married Vanessa HorsefaceParadis in a private ceremony on June 14th, 2008.
  2. Johnny Depp (Who is still MINE) is going to marry Vanessa Skeletor death FaceParadis next spring or summer.

Depp’s rep has out and out denied the first rumor, stating flatly “There is no wedding.” Whether this is confirmation that the second rumor is also untrue, or whether the rep is simply as nauseated by the thought of someone so beautiful daring to consider engaging in matrimony with someone so incredibly horrifying to look at that penises wilt and shrivel at the very sight of her face, I don’t know.

For my part, I’ve opted to perform a study on Paradis, addressing each one of her facial challenges in a fair and unbias manner. To begin, we will require photographic evidence of our specimen.

Exhibit "A" in Study of Extraordinary Ugliness

Exhibit "A" in Study of Extraordinary Ugliness

Paradis is shown here in contrast¬†to her gorgeous husband, where one can easily see the discrepancy betwixt the two. Of special interest, I direct your attention to the flat chest, complete lack of womanly figure, and squinty, hollowed eyes. I also think it’s important to address the sharply pointed elfin ears which create the illusion of Spock like lineage.

Wherein my Eyeballs Melt from An Overdose of Ugly

Wherein my Eyeballs Melt from An Overdose of Ugly

Oh God, where does one begin? Deep Breath. Okay…let’s start with the teeth. Oh Dear Me, the teeth. First and foremost, they appear to be taking over the woman’s head, and perhaps they are. Perhaps Paradis has some manner of teeth-consuming-face virus which is slowly eating the rest of her head. Which is all the more reason for her not to marry Depp, because I would have to commit homicide if she gave him her horrid teeth eat face thingy, and made him less perfect and incredibly beautiful than he is. Moving on to her nose, it’s fat and ugly. End of. Now the squinty eyes….they remind me very much of the eyes of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome suffers. All together, this creates an issue of complete and utter hideousness.
All of this said, NO marrying Johnny there Ugly. You go marry Lyle Lovett and leave the gorgeous men to woman who aren’t afflicted with such a raging case of teetheating feral face.
That is all,
As you were.

~ by double2dee on February 6, 2009.

One Response to “Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis To Wed?”

  1. tears rolling down my face funny!! thanks i needed that after just watching johnny’s movie The Brave 1st time…SAD but excellent btw…

    they have reproduced. 2 beautiful kids. seemed to have gotten most’ve his genes. thank god.

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